I think I need to learn to manage stress better. As soon as my plate starts getting full, my anxiety kicks in and ruins everything I try to do.

Hopefully this rant will be theraputic for me. Best to stop reading now and just sum it up with 'yeah, so what- everyone is stressed. Get over it, loser' lmao.

My biggest stress right now is my grandma. She's been in and out of the hospital all spring and summer and now she's in.. for good we think. The doctor gave her six months, the nurses said six weeks, and now one nurse said about a week. Her liver problems are slowly killing her. She lost so much weight and she's so weak. On bad days, she can't feed herself. On good days, she can go for a little walk and is coherent enough to know we're there and talk to us.

It just feels so stupid. Like this is all just some big joke and we should just push it aside until the joke is over and every thing is okay again. I remember having indepth, ethical discussions with my grandma and having supper with her just this winter. Now she's lying in a bed like a zombie? What the hell happened? I'm still blinking in shock and my family is telling me that they're making funeral arrangements 'in time so its not rushed'. I mean, seriously. My brain can't even figure this out. Whenever I try to disect it, it just makes me more and more afraid so I push it away and don't think about it. And then I go visit her in the hospital and see her like that and it hits hard again. I had to leave the room last time.

I'm so close to my grandma and losing her doesn't even make sense in my head. How can I lose my grandma? The grandma that let me steal pieces of her perogie dough when she was making perogies, told me off for sitting too close to the TV, read me stories that she laughed out loud in, told me I look 'sexy' in my outfits and told me that I drive the boys wild, the grandma that made giant pots of bean soup and chicken soup every new years.... I remember so many things... Nothing makes sense.

School is starting to get close too. Only a month away. The stress is going to be fun for that too. I'm afraid of not being able to get everything together and done. I'm trying for some competitive courses as well as taking a full 30 hour load. Ontop of that, I need to be able to work two shifts a week at least to be able to pay for the gas to drive into the city each day of the week for classes.

I keep flip-flopping between beating myself up for not working all summer and not saving more money. I spent a good chunk and what do I have to show for it? Yeah I have a hobby I absolutely love and love to spend the money I earn on it, but what about when reality hits? I have a crappy old car that might give out suddenly one day and I still live at home. I have to pay for school, the gas to drive the hour back and forth each way ( I might carpool, if that works, but still.. ), I want to move out but there's no way I can afford it.

I feel like I'm going in the right direction to life, but I can't see where it is. I mean, I did what I promised myself I would and I'm going to school. Even if I feel clueless about the whole thing.

I love my doll hobby- I feel like its dangerously addictive and like its my 'feel-good-patch' when I'm down. Which sounds good until you look at the money I've spent on it. Whenever I get depressed I want to buy things to increase my hobby. Like when my grandma was admitted again and started getting worse, I ordered my second doll. He was a huge chunk of my wages- a month's worth of wages at my parttime job. Was that a terrible thing to do? He makes me incredibly happy just to have him with me. It's a happy-patch I feel like I need already.

I have my boyfriend who is bloody amazing. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's the other bright spot in my life and definitely an anchor in my life. He's so incredibly supportive with everything I do. I pray to God he doesn't get fed up with my issues.

My writing is starting to fall by the wayside. I love it to death, but I don't have time for it. I try to make time, but then the stress gets to me and I can't churn out anything creative at all. I was supposed to be writing now, but I needed to vent because I kept opening all of my projects in turn and then closing them. I'm no stranger to writers block and usually I just plow through it, but this time.. it's harder. I feel like I'm ignoring all my other problems by trying to focus on writing.

Mostly, I feel tired. I need a change. I need to go somewhere and see new places or do something. I feel like I've been doing the same thing for a year- working parttime and writing. Yeah.

Hope no one actually read that vent. It was pretty pathetic.